So I am totally going to mind dump on you guys right now. But I am struggling with a few things. So someone in a fitness group I am in has asked me to change my goal weight from 175 to 150. Its 25 extra pounds and puts me in the top BMI healthy weight range for my height. But what trips me up is the fact that I haven't weighed 150 since I was 12! I certainly never thought I was over weight until I was in highschool when I legit gained some weight after I got my license and a job and was hitting the fast food lanes! This thought has really rocked my self esteem. There is this piece of me that feels angry that we have to focus so much on numbers. Why can't a person be healthy and plus size? Why must I hate my body for the way it looks. Why can I not celebrate myself for how I am now! I have been on a healthy journey for over 5 years now. In that time my weight has fluctuated up and down about 50 pounds (not including pregnancy weight). But I can say with out a doubt that I am healthier now than I was 30 pounds lighter. I rarely go out and drink (other than a glass or 2 occasionally) I quit smoking. I eat 75% organic at home. I eat 75% clean and going out to eat has gone from 1-2 times A DAY to 1-2 times a week. I used to not ever ever ever drink water. I have now quit drinking soda and drink mainly water coffee or tea. My lab test results show huge improvements in my thyroid function (no longer hypo thyroid. My androgen levels have gone down and I went from never having a period to having an irregular cycle every 33-45 days. THATS HUGE. Why must we focus so much on numbers? Can we only be sexy and healthy and fit if we fall into a certain category?
So then there's this flip side of me that says. I am a victim of the obesity epidemic. All my health problems all stem from being over weight and unhealthy. I was over weight my entire life I just never knew it until I hit the obesity scale. I am in denial of how big I really am. I need to stop making excuses and get thin. But I just can't get on board with that...... Its holding me up more than ever. I have health goals don't get me wrong. I am not saying I am super healthy and I am fine with how I am now. I have more work to do. I over eat. I don't drink enough water, and I am totally addicted to carbs and sugar. it may be clean and organic but eating 2500 calories with insulin resistant pcos and not getting in movement is not going to get anyone anywhere...... So i want to make health goals. I want to continue to improve my life. But I want lasting habits. I do not want to push myself so far and then fall on my ass and gain it all back. Been there, done that! In my case I feel slow and steady will win the race. I want lasting habits! I don't want to race to lose 15 pounds in 1 month. just to get tired and gain it back the next. Right now my goals are watching my portion sizes (which I am failing at BTW) and drinking more water, eating more veggies, and really watching my grain choices.
Weight is a bi product of lifestlye choices I know. But it does not determine my health. My mother is my height. She is 150 pounds. she is a bit chunky and super duper unhealthy. Weight is not the only indicator of health. And to be honest I sometimes get sick of the judgement and the prejudice and the assumptions made about me.
And sure I can have my ultimate goal be 150 pounds. If thats the number you think is appropriate. But I have to say my real goal is to be free. My goal is to be free of my food addictions. My goal is to be free of my shame. My goal is to be free of restrictions. My goal is feel good, move well, breathe well and get my body symptoms functioning properly. My goal is not a number.
I also did this video yesterday when I was pondering the same thing
No comments:
Post a Comment