My Road to Bryn an infertility journey

My dear sweet Bryn! She is the light of my life, the very air I breathe, and the center of my world. She is my 1 and only. My entire life I have dreamt of her. She was the dolls I played with. The dreams I dreamt. The piece of my heart that was always there but not yet here. Everything I've ever wanted! She is a sassy little sweet soul! Keeps me on my toys and gives me more love than I ever knew was even possible! There really aren't words for my precious gift from God. God gave her to me. She was God's Grace on me. She came at the most perfect time. She really was God's gift for me.

Let me start at the beginning. The only thing in life I've ever wanted even as a little girl was to be a mother. I found out quite young (my early teens) that I had PCOS. I always had irregular periods and hormone issues. They confirmed PCOS with ultrasound and symptoms in my early teens. So I always knew it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. I'm a pretty classic case of PCOS. So when I met my husband in 2007 we fell in love quickly and started living together with in 6 months. So crazy looking back~!!!! But I'm glad it worked out! I was open with him about my PCOS and my possible struggles with fertility. We decided to not prevent a baby and to just see what happens as we both wanted kids and 2 naive 23 year olds thought we could handle it if we had a child out of wedlock. We got married in 2010 and before our wedding I met with my first fertility doctor. Started on Metformin and progesterone and a SLEW of natural supplements. I started cleaning up my diet and my lifestyle and losing weight. Every doctors appointment I went to I would leave crying because they focused so much on my weight!!! I had lost 30 pounds, but they didn't have that on record so it couldn't be true and it wasn't enough. They were not going to start with trigger shots and Chlomid until I had lost 26 more pounds...... I was so frustrated. I was on my 2nd doctor, because my first became discouraged with my progress on metformin and my weight loss. She was so rude when she referred me to my specialist. I met with him and he was just as rude about my weight. He said, "you need to lose weight before we can begin the triggers and Chlomid. But being your cycles are irregular and you are still needing the Progesterone I am going to put you on Femarra. Femarra is a common drug used to induce ovulation in woman with PCOS. This will possibly help you to cycle and if you get pregnant it won't be ideal at your weight, but you are ok with that. SO here." I was allowed 5 refills. I'd take them on cycle days 3-9. I was not getting any monitoring at all because he didn't want me to fall pregnant at my weight. At this point I had been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. I was doing the cycle monitoring, OPKs, BBT's, CM charting, and prayed constantly. I was now taking 11 pills a day. With my Metformin, Progesterone, Femarra, Vitex and a slew of other natural supplements. I charted every day. I would message my sister and mother in law monthly with my ovulation prediction. I was going through a lot of stress with trying to buy a short sale house and it falling through after 6 months my condo was sold and we had new land lord that I didn't care for, my cats were having issues in a small 700 sq ft condo with roaming cats outdoors. I had quit smoking for over a year, but stress management was still very hard for me. My brother in law and his girlfriend fell pregnant on accident with their third child and it felt like a kick in the gut. I couldn't look at my pregnant sister in law.  I had 3 cousins younger than me pregnant. Then my brother 9 years younger than me got his girlfriend pregnant at a very young age. I was feeling low very low. I couldn't look at my little brother. Then my sister and best friend got pregnant. She also had PCOS and had been trying over a year. I fell to my knees and bawled thanking God for her! It was so encouraging. Then I watched a video of them surprising my mom with the news and watching how elated my mother was it was like this dark cloud came over me. It was a dark cloud of envy. A dark cloud of pity. A dark cloud of pure depression. As my sister grew sick with morning sickness I grew sick with depression and envy. I couldn't stand to hear about her morning sickness, and to make matters feel worse I couldn't talk to my best friend about any of it. My family grew sick of me complaining and crying. Of course I wouldn't outwardly talk about the dark cloud of infertility following me around. But it came out in other ways. The sorrow leaked out of me from every angle of my personality. I cried out to God thanking him for my blessings and begging him to help me be more supportive of my sister and her pregnancy. I begged him to help me not feel jealous. I continued to walk and to try to get healthier. We found a house and our offer was accepted and it wasn't a short sale! I had 2 successful ovulations and I had 3 failed cycles (no ovulation) on the femarra. I had to use prometrium to re-trigger my cycle.  I gave up hope there. I decided to just focus on moving and moving on from my depression. I was still cycle charting and taking my meds of course. And I did notice that I think I got a late ovulation. I emailed my mother in law and my sister letting them know. And I let them know that we baby danced 3 times around the ovulation time! SO maybe just maybe I would have an early February baby. We closed on our house and moved in.

 On the morning of June 2nd 2012 1 week to the day after moving into our house I woke up and said I'm pregnant. I found a box with a left over pregnancy test in it and sure enough I got my BFP!!!!!!! I ran to target to get another test.

 My sister was the first person I told. Then I told my hubby and then we ran to each of our parents house to tell them. Best day EVER! I got a 6 week ultrasound to confirm pregnancy and update my due date I thought it was 2/9/13 based on sex timing and ovulation. Doctors thought i was due 2/3/13 based on my cycle length. I turned out to be a due date 2/14/13

I got lots of ultrasounds pregnant because I was considered high risk due to my weight. So in the end I got an ultrasound with pics to take home on a disk every week from 39-39 weeks. I loved seeing her sweet face! They thought she was going to be around 9 pounds!!! But they were wrong she was only 7pounds 10oz! We kept saying how tiny she was! The nurses were like shes not really that small. That makes me laugh! 

 My niece was born January 3rd. Which turned out to be not even 6 weeks before Bryn was born! God is amazing!!








Here are a few pics of my sister and I pregnant and my 1 with my little brother and his girlfriend. God had grace over my envy and granted me my miracle in which i did not deserve!
Below that are the pictures of all 3 babies born and the couch full of kids with their great grandma is of the 3 cousins and my siblings So 6 of us cousins had babies all close to each other. The baby train its referred to. I thought I was missing that baby train. But by God's grace I made that train! At the end I just put some fun maternity pics and some of her newborn pics! Thanks to my photographer sister! www.tgbphotography.com

2016 fall family photos

Cholesteatoma Update!

Well my second surgery was November 2016 and I am happy to report the Cholesteatoma was NOT BACK. I had a healing ridge of scar tissue and skin webbing from over growth of the skin graft from the first surgery when they made the open cavity. They skin graft the entire thing so the nerves are not exposed. Well behind all that I had a build up of debris. So no cholesteatoma, but its a good thing that is was removed, because it may have lead to more cholesteatoma in the future. Unfortunately they were  unable to give me the titanium prosthesis because of my exposed facial nerve. It would have touched the nerve which could potentially make my left side of my face paralyzed (similar to stroke paralysis look) What she did do was take a bit of cartilage from my ear, and attach it to my bone fragments (hearing bone) to try to give me better hearing bones and we'll see if that will improve my hearing some. I believe it will. Because I don't feel as deaf as I did after my first surgery. But maybe that's because I am used to it? Not sure. SO anyways here's a few pics of this years adventures.

 Me after the surgury ^^^^ It was a pretty easy recovery!!!

May 2016 Dance Recital

Bryn is 3 February 2016

My weight loss MIND DUMP

So I am totally going to mind dump on you guys right now. But I am struggling with a few things. So someone in a fitness group I am in has asked me to change my goal weight from 175 to 150. Its 25 extra pounds and puts me in the top BMI healthy weight range for my height. But what trips me up is the fact that I haven't weighed 150 since I was 12! I certainly never thought I was over weight until I was in highschool when I legit gained some weight after I got my license and a job and was hitting the fast food lanes! This thought has really rocked my self esteem. There is this piece of me that feels angry that we have to focus so much on numbers. Why can't a person be healthy and plus size? Why must I hate my body for the way it looks. Why can I not celebrate myself for how I am now! I have been on a healthy journey for over 5 years now. In that time my weight has fluctuated up and down about 50 pounds (not including pregnancy weight). But I can say with out a doubt that I am healthier now  than I was 30 pounds lighter. I rarely go out and drink (other than a glass or 2 occasionally) I quit smoking. I eat 75% organic at home. I eat 75% clean and going out to eat has gone from 1-2 times A DAY to 1-2 times a week. I used to not ever ever ever drink water. I have now quit drinking soda and drink mainly water coffee or tea. My lab test results show huge improvements in my thyroid function (no longer hypo thyroid. My androgen levels have gone down and I went from never having a period to having an irregular cycle every 33-45 days. THATS HUGE. Why must we focus so much on numbers? Can we only be sexy and healthy and fit if we fall into a certain category?

So then there's this flip side of me that says. I am a victim of the obesity epidemic. All my health problems all stem from being over weight and unhealthy. I was over weight my entire life I just never knew it until I hit the obesity scale. I am in denial of how big I really am. I need to stop making excuses and get thin. But I just can't get on board with that...... Its holding me up more than ever. I have health goals don't get me wrong. I am not saying I am super healthy and I am fine with how I am now. I have more work to do. I over eat. I don't drink enough water, and I am totally addicted to carbs and sugar. it may be clean and organic but eating 2500 calories with insulin resistant pcos and not getting in movement is not going to get anyone anywhere...... So i want to make health goals. I want to continue to improve my life. But I want lasting habits. I do not want to push myself so far and then fall on my ass and gain it all back. Been there, done that! In my case I feel slow and steady will win the race. I want lasting habits! I don't want to race to lose 15 pounds in 1 month. just to get tired and gain it back the next. Right now my goals are watching my portion sizes (which I am failing at BTW) and drinking more water, eating more veggies, and really watching my grain choices.

Weight is a bi product of lifestlye choices I know. But it does not determine my health. My mother is my height. She is 150 pounds. she is a bit chunky and super duper unhealthy. Weight is not the only indicator of health. And to be honest I sometimes get sick of the judgement and the prejudice and the assumptions made about me.

And sure I can have my ultimate goal be 150 pounds. If thats the number you think is appropriate. But I have to say my real goal is to be free. My goal is to be free of my food addictions. My goal is to be free of my shame. My goal is to be free of restrictions. My goal is feel good, move well, breathe well and get my body symptoms functioning properly. My goal is not a number. 

 

This is me. Big and beautiful. Full of soft voluptuous curves, and soft mommy snuggles and lots of handles for good lovin ;) I am on this journey and I am going to love me for just the way I am every step of the way!!

 

 

I also did this video yesterday when I was pondering the same thing 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdyBOQi_lTY 

 

Mind Dump and goal setting for November

This post will be a bit of everything, but I have a lot on my mind! I went through that surgery I was talking about in my Cholesteatoma post. Post Op has been fairly easy and my mind has been racing! I will do a Cholesteatoma update soon. But my mind has been on my spiritual life and journey, TTC baby #2, my holistic life journey, my weight!!!!!! being a better sister, daughter, friend, wife, mother, loving myself, having a more minimalistic home with better organization, reading more, upping my preschool game at daycare, my daughter's development and her character, our family debt and our budget plan, and our future financial life, my hygiene, and my fashion. Theres sooo much on my mind. I want to improve all of these aspects in my life! It really can be overwhelming! But whats my priority? I realized this is why I started this blog. So I can target specific goals and areas in my life and inspire myself and put together a blog post about it. So I figured I better mind dump right here and you will probably be seeing these things coming in future blogs. Hopefully not 10 at once ;)

So reading my above statements of my mind I realize these things fall under a few categories
#1 Health goals
#2 Spirituality, character, growth and development and other personal goals of the sort
#3 Homemaker/wife/mother goals
#4 Daycare business goals
#5 financial goals

So I want to pick goals in each of these areas to focus on. I wish it could just be 1 goal, but these areas are quite broad so it has to be a few things. When goal setting its best to pick 1-5 goals at a time. This is 5 goals but there is  alot to each component so I am going into this knowing this is a bit much....... But I think I can do it! A lot of it is sticking to goals/habits I have previously worked to establish but I want it written still because it just isn't ingrained into my brain enough yet.

#1 calorie intake under 1800 per day and drinking 100oz of water per day. Establish a better hygiene routine.
#2 Finish Crave book and pray diligently through out each day and ask God to guide me and my decisions  as the day goes on. Wake up and pray. Pray and reflect at night. PRAY PRAY PRAY Get God on my mind and involved in my decision making process! More specific goals can follow once that habit is established
#3 Stay productive and keep on task and continue to declutter 1 thing a day and 1 load of laundry a day. Be present and stay off Facebook. Keep to daily routines to stay on top of household. Remember to let it go and stay happy.  
#4 Keep prepared and purposeful in my daily schedule. New sign in routines and keeping to weekly check list
#5 check in with my budget daily

I will be checking with my goals here..... here we go!  

Cholesteatoma

Sort of an odd post to start off with, but it's something I am currently going through. So I figured I'd give a little info. 

What is a Cholesteatoma?- it is a benign growth in the ear. You can be born with it, or you can develop it. It is unclear as to what actually causes the growth. It is a progressive growth. It eats anything in its path and continues to grow bigger. It will eat bone and eventually will eat through the bone holding your brain in your head. When that happens there's problems! For me personally it ate away all 3 hearing bones, ate at a tasting nerve and was all wrapped around my nerve to my left side of my face, but luckily it did not result in any paralysis. It also ate away at the bone to my brain thinning it but no damage was done, Thank God! They found this growth after 5 doctors couldn't treat my ear infection and my ear canal was closing. They sent me to the ENT and in 2 mins flat he knew what was wrong. This was September 2015. That ENT sent me to a specialist at the University of Minnesota. She removed my Cholesteatoma in November 2015. They had to open up my mastoid bone and also take down my ear canal. Procedure called canal wall down tympano mastoidectomy. So I have an enlarged ear canal with no canal (open cavity) that needs to be cleaned out every 6 months by and ENT. Well exactly 1 year later I was having minor issues and its believed to be back..... so November 2016 they are going in again to remove either scar tissue growth or what is more than likely more Cholesteatoma! ugh!!! But I will also be getting titanium hearing bone prosthetics. I'm hoping that will give me a bit more hearing in my left ear. Here are a few pictures of my journey last year. I will keep everyone updated on Novembers outcome!

 This was the first time seeing my baby girl in 2 days. She was 2.5 almost 3 here. Sleep overs at anyones house is quite rare. She spent the night with her Grandma 2 nights in a row she was oh so happy to see momma. Not really understanding what in the world is going on!

 This picture is the scar behind my ear from opening my mastoid bone. This is the cleanest scar I have seen!!

This picture shows my left ear compared to my right ear. You can see how the ear canal is enlarged here.

Introduction

Well I suppose I am not really sure why I wanted to start a blog! I've always wanted to. It'd be like a dream come true to be a successful mommy blogger. Though I suppose the reality of that happening with the little amount of time I have in a day is slim to none! SO I figured I'm going to start anyways. Maybe it will bring some motivation and inspiration into my daily life. I do well with goals and aspirations. What better to inspire yourself right!? SO here we are :)

My thoughts for this blog -
 I am wanting this to just be about anything I want it to be about a recipe I loved, lessons of life I learned, a successful moms group night, my planer spread, organizational method I found and loved, and maybe some youtube videos I make. Daycare is a huge part of my life, I'm thinking lots of lessons and trials and accomplishments about that, or cool crafts. I just want it to be anything pertaining to my life and my world from my perspective. No one to impress just whatever is inspiring me at the moment. Maybe it will be health and weight loss or trying to conceive...... who knows..... we'll have to wait and see :)

A little about me-
I am Randi. I am the oldest of 5 kids. I grew up with just me and my sister in a smaller town in the south west metro area of Minnesota with our Mom and our Dad (technically step dad but he raised us as his own and the best dad EVER). My sister is 22.5 months younger than me and we are absolutely best friends. I'd call her my soul mate only shes my soul sister. I couldn't do life with out her! We have 3 half siblings living 4 hours away in South Dakota they are about 10 years younger than us and we love them to pieces!!! They are loves of my life as well. Speaking of Loves of my life I've been  with my husband since 2007 and married since 2010. I knew I had fertility issues so we started trying for a little bambino years before we were married and with the grace of God leading me to a doctor that hooked me up with the right drugs we conceived Bryn in  2012. We found out I was pregnant 1 week after moving into our first house. She was Born in February 2013. We've been naturally trying for number 2 since August 2014. Thats another post another day. We also have 3 cats. Yep I'm a crazy cat lady!! I am a lover of all animals actually. But funny enough I'm not into the icky maintenance of animals. My husband does the litter box ;) I used to volunteer for a local rescue and found out I am slightly scared of dogs I don't know well!! I couldn't believe it! I also volunteered for the Rabit Society (local rabbit rescue) Yep not into picking up prey animals that don't know me and try to bite me while I clean their poop! I commend all volunteers! I hope one day I can do my animal rescue community well and volunteer again. But for now I will keep my memories :) I also am a daycare provider. This was my dream job!!! My entire life I said when I have kids I'm going to open an in home daycare. Well I did that. When my daughter was 7 months old. It was  the hardest job transition of my LIFE! I was so naive. I thought it would be rainbows and lollipops. Nope it was super duper hard!!! Ive been at it over 3 years now, and I love it! But boy oh boy did I learn a lot along the way! Again that will be another post another day ;) I am new to coordinating a moms group for my church and I am loving it! I am always on a journey to better my life and improve as a person. I've been through a lot of ups and downs (just like everyone else) and I'm hoping I can learn from my journey and share those lessons and be an inspiration to others. I want more than anything to good in my life and make God proud! I am sinner of course. I struggle to stay on a righteous path, but I hope I will only grow stronger along the way!

So anyways that's me in a nutshell and here's a few pictures of my family :) Photo Credit to my amazing photographer (my sister! I'm lucky I know) www.tgbphotography.com