I have a desire to do it all. I want to be this holistic super mom fixing our families health holistically and with God in the lead, I dream of a beautiful women's ministry, I still have a passion for my job as a daycare provider, yet I dream of living sustainably on a farm and gardening and homeschooling and running a women's a ministry, but when reality sinks in I just want to be caught up on laundry and complete my to do lists, and wake up early to read the bible and pray over my day. I can't seem to do any of those realistic things. How on earth will the rest come into play? Yet wanting a caught up to do list and caught up laundry and home to do projects... is that even reality? or is it always messy? I'm just getting by day to day doing the best I can... which is honestly NOT good enough. I am living day to day in stress and feeling overwhelmed. I need to get better order. I am type A.... I am not meant to live in such disarray! I make improvements year by year of course, and things are really coming along, but at the age of 34 I am a bit disappointed in my self. I am disappointed with the clutter in my home. I am disappointed with all the unchecked items on my to do list. I am disappointed in our money management skills. I am disappointed in my wellness journey and my lack of self discipline. I am disappointed in my scripture reading (not doing it enough) and bible studying. I am disappointed in myself with the upkeep of laundry and dishes and accounting and paperwork and mail order and organization and yard work. I want to yell at my husband for not helping more, but I am feeling that I need to stop relying on other people to do the work I wont do myself. If I want it done its my own job, and wow will that be amazing if I can accomplish these things myself.
I am praying over these things and just going to give it to God and take it 1 step at a time. My first step in this messy life is just prayer and scripture reading and learning to fully rely on God. My God lead me blindly. Take my anxiety of all that I want to change and lead the way! All these things are just earthly wishes. Only my relationship with you and my ministry is all that matter. I do do believe these trials and struggles are part of my ministry. Or at least will be. This is my journey and I must learn.
I am learning currently I am relying on everyone to rescue me in 1 way or another. I don't do things fully for myself. I would like to change this! God has given me a gift to plan. I need to utilize this gift!
I have been really prompted to journal and to blog this Journey. I believe the 2 of these things are important to my ministry in some way.
I really don't even know where it will all lead... but here we go... trying to give up the anxiety and the desires and just follow where the Holy Spirit leads me.
John 16:13
When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth,
for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he
will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.
John 14:26
But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name,
he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I
have said to you.
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