Trying to be Super Mom

I have a desire to do it all. I want to be this holistic super mom fixing our families health holistically and with God in the lead, I dream of a beautiful women's ministry, I still have a passion for my job as a daycare provider, yet I dream of living sustainably on a farm and gardening and homeschooling and running a women's a ministry, but when reality sinks in I just want to be caught up on laundry and complete my to do lists, and wake up early to read the bible and pray over my day. I can't seem to do any of those realistic things. How on earth will the rest come into play? Yet wanting a caught up to do list and caught up laundry and home to do projects... is that even reality? or is it always messy? I'm just getting by day to day doing the best I can... which is honestly NOT good enough. I am living day to day in stress and feeling overwhelmed. I need to get better order. I am type A.... I am not meant to live in such disarray! I make improvements year by year of course, and things are really coming along, but at the age of 34 I am a bit disappointed in my self. I am disappointed with the clutter in my home. I am disappointed with all the unchecked items on my to do list. I am disappointed in our money management skills. I am disappointed in my wellness journey and my lack of self discipline. I am disappointed in my scripture reading (not doing it enough) and bible studying. I am disappointed  in myself with the upkeep of laundry and dishes and accounting and paperwork and mail order and organization and yard work. I want to yell at my husband for not helping more, but I am feeling that I need to stop relying on other people to do the work I wont do myself. If I want it done its my own job, and wow will that be amazing if I can accomplish these things myself.

I am praying over these things and just going to give it to God and take it 1 step at a time. My first step in this messy life is just prayer and scripture reading and learning to fully rely on God. My God lead me blindly. Take my anxiety of all that I want to change and lead the way! All these things are just earthly wishes. Only my relationship with you and my ministry is all that matter. I do do believe these trials and struggles are part of my ministry. Or at least will be. This is my journey and I must learn.

I am learning currently I am relying on everyone to rescue me in 1 way or another. I don't do things fully for myself. I would like to change this! God has given me a gift to plan. I need to utilize this gift!

I have been really prompted to journal and to blog this Journey. I believe the 2 of these things are important to my ministry in some way.

I really don't even know where it will all lead... but here we go... trying to give up the anxiety and the desires and just follow where the Holy Spirit leads me.

John 16:13
When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

John 14:26
But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

Husbnd inspired health goals

I've been worried about my hubby lately. Especially because he has lost a lot of weight and he just doesn't seem to have an appetite. I also feel like hes been a bit depressed and lacking motivation and self worth. This has been a battle for quite some time. It changes over all the years I have known him, but suddenly I have put some more thought into and am planning to have a chat with him and put a plan together with food goals and supplements and that sort of thing to hopefully wanting to live healthier. He doesn't really care about his own health so this will be interesting conversation to have. But I am praying he will be receptive, and I have women praying he will be receptive.

Isn't it funny how the love of someone else can inspire change in yourself when you at first didn't deem yourself worth it. I have been battling some serious weight gain issues and old food habits flooding back! I have been ignoring them, but feeling so worried for my hubby I am thinking we need to make some family changes.

I have been on a holistic journey for years. And it just fell apart this fall. Then I got pregnant! My weight is piling on faster than I keep track of! Its terrifying! I am getting in some nutrition of course for the baby, but my treats are out of control. So is my caloric intake! oye vey!!! Weight is really really hard for me to lose. And cutting certain foods is really really hard for me to do.

My daughter does not eat fruits or veggies and overly loves carbs and sugar. But can survive off meat alone! She loves her MEAT!

But I find concentrating on food so much is just exhausting! I feel like my worship is just off. I need to not focus so much on food and focus more on God and go where he leads me.

Then again maybe this is it. Health for the a whole family. Serving my husband as part of it. Previously I left my hubby out of it. I'm still not sure where I am on the wellness journey. I'd say overall still discouraged and disappointed in myself. But I still have faith God will show me direction, and maybe one of these days I will stop being blind to it.

Weekend progress Am I nesting?!

I am not sure whats up, but the inspiration of minimalism and the energy back in second trimester has me on a roll in my house! I have official plans and goals for kids room my room and bathroom! Also for the basement, but we won't be starting there quite yet!

In the last few weeks I have gone through all of my clothes and reorganized them. I have bought maternity clothes and decluttered more in my room. I have decluttered Bryns room and rearranged and completely made room for baby!

This weekend I tackled the kids closet and made room for baby and went through Bryn's clothes and reorganized all of that. I am loving her system! Albeit 2 kids with tons of drawers organizers and no dressers in a closet is a bit crowded, I am fully confident that this system is going to work perfect for me!

I will put together a room tour soon!

This weekend I also decided I was sick of the hidden clutter in my kitchen so I pulled it all out and addressed it and the cluttery back counter now looks pretty good! I slightly decluttered the top of the fridge, but there is still a basket of junk up there I didn't have the time or energy to get to. While I was at it I re-seasoned my cast iron and made another batch of iced red raspberry  leaf tea.

Kids Closet. Bryn's clothes on bottom and room  for baby on top!

Everything I decluttered in the kitchen! Then the lovely clear counters afterwards. I know I could still minimize more, but that is what is most useful to me. 

boiling my tea and after I put all the bacon fat on my pans. 

Easter Bunnies, Santa Claus tooth fairy ect...

I didn't want my child to believe in any of these things. It takes away from the true meaning of the holiday and you are lying to your kid. I just don't like it. My husband and I both come from families that go all out for santa and easter bunny ect. So right away Bryn was exposed to these ideas. Then she sees them in malls cartoons her tablet, and I run a daycare and the kids talk non stop about these characters. So naturally she fully believes and knows all about them! I tell her its just for fun and the real reason we celebrate is for Jesus, she has yet to lose teeth, and so far she is accepting things as this and hasn't questioned anymore.

Along comes the season for Elves on the shelf. All of my daycare families have elves.... and all the kids talk about it. So we got her the Shepherd! Its been such a blessing! She gets to participate in the fun and yet he focuses her on Jesus and teachings of that nature. I tried staying away from "Sheppy is magic" ect. But of course she has heard all about that too and fully believes in his magic. She loves Sheppy. From Christmas to Easter she has mentioned him dozens of times. After Easter now she has cried twice because she misses him. Its really helped bridge that gap! We still don't mention santa or bunny, but Sheppy takes center stage and she doesn't remember that we didn't mention him. It really helps us to bring the focus back to Jesus. Of course when the daycare parents or grandparents ask if the Easter Bunny or Santa came she always says yes and gives them the credit for everything. I decided I am not going to burst her bubble. I am going to just keep down playing things and saying its just for fun and she'll grow up and figure out that I never ever said they are real. Maybe she'll have more questions maybe she won't. I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we get there.

Minimalism

Minimalism, this has been an inspiration as of lately. Its a bit of a trend the last few years with Kon Mari and people living in small houses and selling everything and traveling the world. I followed a few social media accounts and read Kon Mari book and have been so inspired by Tiny House Living. But when it came to my life I organized a closet donated a few extra things, but continue to fall victim of consumerism. I love to shop and buy! I love to be inspired by new things and try it out! We have an unfinished basement and I love to store my crap I never use! My husband is an absolute HOARDER but he contains himself to his own spaces. But let me tell you our garage is not usable!

So fast forward a year or 2 and I am expecting baby #2 and they are going to have to share a room. No biggie.... tons of kids do it.... except that room also has to double as their play room because doing daycare I cannot leave any toys out or mix with daycare toys or my sassy miss Bryn has a melt down. I let her have control over her toys. I believe its important and I won't go into it in this convo. So anyways, the pressure of rearranging got to me and I had a toy meltdown! I walk into our bedroom which holds ALL OF our office stuff, the baby stuff I have to go through, 2 boxes of crap I need to go through, all of my vanity items, all my hair stuff, my waxing station, my printer, my desk, my files, our safe, 2 TVS, all of our spare linnen and blankets and pillows, closet over flow stuff, and of course all of my husband and my clothes with 2 dressers and a night stand. HOW CAN ALL OF THIS FIT IN 1 TINY MASTER BEDROOM!??? not much walking room let me tell you......

So now I am in Toy hell and bedroom hell..... and I walk into our 3rd bedroom and that is the playroom for my daycare which holds ALL OF THE DAYCARE THINGS! I have worked on organizing that and it isn't stressing me out, but there is NO EXTRA room. My living room is full but it has been worked on. My kitchen needs so much help. OVER FLOWING, but I have been working on that too. Then there is our unfinished basement.... way too full. That was it. I lost it. I wanted a bigger house or a finished basement to move to the daycare down there, and make myself an office....

God spoke to me in a moment I wasn't even calling on him.... all of this material items and wanting a bigger house and to spend money we don't have finishing a basement to be able to fill it up with more stuff. I'm not really doing any good with my money that way. I am not serving God. I am not living simply the way God has impressed on my heart. I believe God wants me to learn to live with less and to give more. To serve in people and show love in God's name. Why can't we do better with what we have. Get rid of some stuff and live more simply and less stressfully with less and do more so serve God and spread his love. Life is not about a nice house. Life is not about material possessions or lots of land or living our dream worldy life. Its not about vacations and nice cars. Its not about keeping up with the Jones. I often feel that we are more broke than most people. Which we probably do have less money than the average middle class Minnesotan. But we certainly aren't doing terribly. We aren't spending wisely. We aren't saving and our priorities are messed up. I really want to fix this!

I am going to start praying to get out of the hole of an untouched to do list and far off dreams. I am going to start praying to be lead to get on top of life.

I am a Type A person trapped in consumerism and overwhelmed with to do lists that I can't stay on top of. Its time I simplify my life and get on top of it so I may prosper and go where God calls!

Preganancy Update and the big scare!

Its been a while since I have updated! Let me tell you its been a rough go! starting about 5.5 weeks I started getting nausea I had brief spells on occasion starting at week 5. My food was atrocious. CARB LOADING FOR ABOUT 5 SOLID WEEKS! Running a daycare this was so difficult to function through extreme fatigue and nausea!!! OH BOY ..... my house work is still behind!

At 6+4 I went into my intake appointment, by the direction of the receptionist of my midwifes office,  and they ended up doing a confirmation and lab work and telling me to go in for an early ultrasound for dating confirmation and to ease my anxiety as I was VERY anxious of a miscarriage! So at 7 weeks I went in for my dating scan. They saw a tiny little baby with a little flicker of a heart beat. But they decided to go back to the baby after taking the other measurements. She couldn't find the baby again. So they reset my appointment for the following week. I ended up having a bit of bleeding so my midwife after hearing my experience said thats really unusual. Once they see the baby they should be able to find the baby again no problem. So at 7+4 I went back in for an ultrasound. This time it took 45 mins to find the baby and the baby only measured 6+5 and heart rate was on 76! So this indicated a "non viable pregnancy" my re scan would be followed up in 10 days. I was so emotional and shed lots and lots of tears in these 10 days. I had days where I just knew everything was going to be ok. And days when I just knew I lost the baby. There was a night where I lay awake crying to God and I was spoken to in  my heart and I felt God was saying "you worry for nothing my child" I was greatly comforted by this. But I did still have about 2 days where I thought I lost the baby. By the time I went in for my 3rd scan I had great excitement and comfort and I just felt the baby is going to be fine. I went in and baby was measuring 9 weeks exactly (back to my original due date) The heart rate was 164!!!!! Pure elation! I was still on and off sick sick sick until about 11 weeks. Since 11 weeks I have started feeling much better! I am 12 weeks tomorrow and I just got to see the baby on a hand held scan at my 11+4 midwife appointment because of course they couldn't detect the heartbeat.

The ultrasound technician  theory  is that my uterus is apparently a bit stretched out from my previous pregnancy which is fairly normal, but it was dipping way down deep and the baby implanted in the very very back bottom corner against the uterine wall. So they just don't think the ultrasound waves were able to properly reach back that far and get accurate measurements.  I believe this certainly couldve been the case, but I keep my trust in God. I since have had a great peace over this pregnancy and my faith in those 10 days was greatly tested and it only strengthened my faith in God. I feel reassured and I am so grateful for that scare. It was a beautiful experience in the end.

Sums up first Trimester in bed!!!

 Kisses for baby around 6 weeks

 Right 10w with Bryn Left 10+5 with this baby

Hot mess real life shot today in my jams. 11+6 loving that bump!

2017 Reflection and 2018 goals

I went back and read my post about 2016 and my goals for 2017. Another stagnant year for wellness and financial and personal goals!!! oye....

For my health goals in 2017 I was not successful in the gut healing protocols. I was halfass... In spring I went keto and had GREAT success! which all went south in the summer, and by winter I had gained ALL of my weight back and my eating habits were ATROCIOUS again.

My financial goals we did not meet and my Dad bailed us out with a generous Christmas gift! So we in 1 swoop paid off taxes and credit card debts. We did make some head way on our medical expenses and were able to set up an HSA which will be really helpful in our future. We will still owe taxes for 2017 though.... Which sucks, but we have time to pay that off before maternity leave.

For my personal goals we did get north side of the house landscaping done, and I would say we made progress on our daily routines, but no where near where we want to be!

Overall for 2017 I am happy. My main mission was pregnancy and that was accomplished with days to spare! I grew HUGELY Faith wise and nothing can be more important than that! Church volunteer jobs have really been kicked up a notch and I am LOVING it!  I have remained very happy with my home and work life and no major health issues or surgeries this year! I had about 3 months of struggle this summer and into beginning of fall. It was like a spiritual war was going on in my mind and heart. I eventually just prayed for deliverance and deliverance is what came. It was a definite learning experience and proof great growth is to come as Satan tried HARD to hold me back! God always prevails! I must work harder to stay closer to God so I am not so tempted to stray in the future! I really didn't realize I had such weakness! All these old temptations of my past life just revisited. Glad to say its GONE and all thanks is to GOD because I was too weak to overcome myself.

2018

2018 will be year of preparation for this baby to come! Preparation with a savings account and financial situations and major change in daycare is coming in September. So really just getting through winter spring and summer and being financially and emotionally ready.

Finacial -
I'd like to have a maternity leave savings
Have no credit card debt
Have 2017 taxes paid off

Home- 
Have the upper level of our house decluttered and organized for baby
New flooring because it just can't wait
Have backyard garden and turf area finished.

Personal- 
For my routines that I would like to establish I could make an entire blog post and my planner reflects those goals, but realistically I would just like to better establish a morning routine which includes prayer and scripture and a better bed time routine with picking up, prepping next day, laying out clothe,s and nightly hygiene and planning time.
I also would like to get better at finishing my books! I have a list of books in my kindle that I would like to finish. I think nap time during the day should be my focused reading time. Instead of Facebook.

Church -
For Church I am happy with the Moms group and how that is going. I am a bit overwhelmed with the faith and family night teachings but I am managing and found a lot of love and growth in this commitment. I am going to take on Meadow Ladies Nights again, and I have some grand Ideas I would like to come to frution and to do some writing and preparing of that. But Now that I am pregnant I am feeling overwhelmed in that commitment, but I think God will guide and give me strength where I am lacking.

Spiritual-
I still feel this call to help women and have some sort of a ministry of some type. As if its my true life's calling, but the details of this have yet to be revealed to me. So for now I am just going to work on getting closer with God and studying scripture. I have 1 follower of these blogs (my sister)..... But I feel compelled to keep going with them, and that they will serve a purpose of some sort!